How Not To Be Jealous

I don’t experience jealously in relationships. There are things I have felt were unfair, maybe more than I should have, but I don’t go in for its resentment, insecurity and possessiveness. I feel like I never have, but all the same I have gotten somehow even less jealous than I was before. The more polyamory Dorian and I experience, the less jealous I am. I joked to a friend of mine that my jealously is actually at a negative value. I often experience satisfaction in situations that would make other people livid with jealousy.

I was in a club recently, starting a conversation with a friend of a friend, and I was asked how I knew someone. “I know her through Dorian, my husband, he’s the one making out with that chick over there,” I replied, gesturing across the dancefloor to Dorian and Kara, who were snogging vigorously against a wall. The look on friend-of-a-friend’s face was an unforgettable portrait of incredulity.

“And that doesn’t make you jealous?!” he blurted in disbelief.

“Not at all,” I replied, with nonchalance so severe I almost slurred.

“How?!” he said.

And even while I was explaining why I didn’t feel jealousy, was asking “how?” right along with him. We are so conditioned into thinking that jealousy is the natural response to something like seeing your partner kiss someone else that I still experience cognitive dissonance over the fact that I’m not experiencing that jealousy. I’m incredibly grateful not to experience the anguish I understand jealousy to be, but completely struck by how unusual that is.

I just don’t think I am wired for jealousy. I look upon Dorian’s joyous face when another partner of his has brought him happiness or pleasure, and I feel the same gratification and very tangible release of endorphins as if I had been the one to make him happy. I laugh in disbelief at the fact that I somehow feel proud and sated off the back of someone else’s achievement. I guess I feel this great guardianship over Dorian’s happiness, and anything that makes him happy makes me feel like my want for him to be happy has been fulfilled, regardless of where it comes from. The vicariousness of my enjoyment knows no bounds. This is often termed “compersion” in polyamory circles.

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Recently the topic of jealousy came up in conversation with a friend of mine, particularly in the context of polyamory. He was feeling jealous, and I was, as ever, loftily speaking about how I never did. I said ruefully that I didn’t have any advice on how not to be jealous, as I’d considered it more a natural gift of mine. But the moment I said it I immediately began issuing forth with advice, and had to accept that I had a great many opinions on the topic. So here is:

How Not To Be Jealous

Ask yourself why you wish to be free of jealousy. Jealousy is not always problematic. I am not here to say that jealously is inherently bad. It is not a character flaw that must be eradicated at all costs, and it does not reflect badly on you for having felt it. Jealousy makes evolutionary sense, and in some ways may be instinctual. In this way it may not be something that you can ‘unfeel’ anyway. There is a quote going around that says, “The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are.” This links into the idea of ‘dual process theory’ where there is an innate automatic response and a controlled conscious response at work. You may never be able to change the way that you feel, only the way that you process things and act on them. Do not seek to rid yourself of jealousy simply because it is next fad of ‘Clean Living Pursuits’ decreed by the internet. But if you feel that jealousy is holding you back, ruining your relationships or otherwise being an unproductive emotion – then it may be time to makes changes. Jealousy can be a useful indicator of deeper feelings and problems, and a valuable emotion to explore for the purposes of self-discovery.

Make sure that what you’re feeling is jealousy. I recommend “Fuck Your Jealousy. Try Mine.” by Ferrett Steinmetz for a witty discourse on the difference between jealousy and not having your needs met. I do not presume to know how jealousy feels for you, or what it does to you. For the sake of clarity I’m defining jealousy as follows: 1. Jealousy often starts with the same base as envy: an unpleasant feeling of resentment towards someone because they have something you wish you had. This may be wealth, opportunities, good health or material goods, but in the context of relationships is often the attentions or regard of someone else, or the ability to attract desirable people. But there is a difference between simply desiring something, and wishing ill on the people who already have it. There is a great passage in “Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell” by Susanna Clarke which discusses this kind of resentment (or rather the lack of it).

“When Mr Pleasance was alive, he used to say that no one in York, man or woman, could bake a loaf to rival mine, and other people as well have been kind enough to say that they never in their lives tasted bread so good. But I have always kept a good table for love of doing a thing well and if one of those queer spirits from the Arabian fables came out of this very teapot now and gave me three wishes I hope I would not be so ill-natured as to try to stop other folk from baking bread -- and should their bread be as good as mine then I do not see that it hurts me, but rather is so much the better for them.”

2. Jealousy is often exacerbated by insecurity, a feeling of uncertainty about one’s situation and self. It is often accompanied by feelings of self-consciousness, doubt and anxiety. Jealousy can incorporate the fear that someone is better than you, and the fear that something you have will be taken away. 3. Jealousy can manifest as possessiveness, where you feel unwilling to share your ‘possessions’ and wish to retaliate against these perceived threats by asserting your control over them; think “jealously guard.” In relationships this can mean limiting your partner’s relationships with others, being overly demonstrative of your relationship status, and displaying cloying affections. So here’s the trifecta of jealousy and envy: wishing ill on someone who has what you do not, fearing that what you have will be taken away (because this person has advantages over you), and hence seeking to hoard what you do have. It can be a vicious snarl of negative emotions, primarily fear and hostility.

Explore why you feel jealous. Use the facets of what jealousy means as a springboard. What does the subject of your envy have that you do not? Why do you believe you are inadequate in that area? Why would your partner choose them over you? What can you do to improve as a partner? What are your strengths? Why do you want to be with your partner? Is your partner trying to provoke your jealousy? How does feeling jealous change your thoughts and actions? Do you want to feel jealous? Is jealousy going to change anything for the better?

Be accepting of your own feelings. Be prepared to get some unexpected answers from yourself. Remain open and honest, and do not make value judgements on your responses. Pushing emotions and thoughts aside because they are ‘wrong’ will not lead you to a better understanding of yourself and will not untangle your motivations. Repression and force are not the tools of self-improvement. Keep asking why, about everything, even if you feel like a four year old. 

Allow your partner to choose you. This is where your strength in combating jealousy lies. Allowing your partner to choose you can be hella empowering, in so many ways. Accepting that they love you even though you are flawed, allowing them to experience others that you fear may be better than you and then seeing them continue to, and repeatedly, choose you is incredibly fulfilling and validating. It was Dorian that first introduced me to the idea of letting your partner choose you, and I railed against it at first. I have been insecure in our relationship, not in the ‘scared someone will steal my partner’ way, but in the ‘I’m not good enough’ way. I was pretty adamant Dorian should leave me for a good while. I felt like I wasn’t being a good partner to him and that my mistakes and mental illness made me a very unwise choice on the whole. I also wasn’t coping well with being in a relationship, and I wanted a break from the stress of it – but as these feelings felt hurtful to convey, I pushed all of them into the ‘I’m a bad person so you should leave me’ box and hounded Dorian with this notion. He would always protest that it was his choice whether he loved me or not, and he didn’t think I was a bad person. I would say that he was obviously too infatuated to see the truth of things. I was very worried that his love of being in love would mean he stayed in situations that were doing him harm. My fears were allayed though, and it turned out he was right. It was his choice. I don’t get to decide whether he loves me. I can’t make a person fall out of love with me in the same way I can’t make them fall in love with me. I can project falsities in the hope of tricking them, but if a person accepts you, then they accept you for who you truly are. Dorian always had a choice whether or not to accept me, at every turn. I’m grateful that I was loved so unreservedly, and that he persisted through all my objections. Your partners always have a choice, even in marriage or the strictest religions, whether to love you or not. This is what gives power and weight to their love. A relationship held in place only by the fact that your partner is shackled to you and completely restricted, a partner who chooses you only because they have literally no-one else to choose – can’t really exercise the full potential of this exquisite free will. That is not to say that you should be throwing your partner at everyone who comes your way so as to ‘prove’ the relationship, but that you should always allow your partner their choices.

Be the best you can be. All you've ever been able to do, all anyone can ever ask you to do, is to be the best partner you can be. Whether or not the person you're with chooses you or loves you is entirely up to them, and entirely their responsibility. This can seem scary at first, but once you let go of that burden and accept that it is their choice, then you will be well on your way to being free of jealousy. It is not your responsibility to be the person that your partner loves, it is your responsibility to be you. Stop trying to be what you think other people want, and allow your best self to attract the people who want to be with you. It is a big step to take, and things might not go the way you want them too, but it’s worth it.

Let that shit go. Working though jealousy often leads to changes that can be hard to deal with. You might not see yourself the same way. You might lose a partner. But if you have tried your hardest and been true to yourself then you must endeavour to make peace with these changes. If all things have been done with the best intent, then regrets are useless. If you feel you should have done something differently, then take that to heart and move on. All you can do in any case, is let that shit go.

“Let that shit go,” says sassy lotus dwelling Buddha.

I often describe myself as being “very zen about loss,” especially in the context of relationships. If Dorian left me, I like to think that I would accept that. That is not to say that I wouldn’t be upset, I would be very upset, but I’d be upset because I would miss the ways in which he enriches my life. Selfishly – and I use the word in an honest and non-judgemental way – I want to keep him around because he benefits me. He provides emotional support, companionship and intellectual engagement; he gives me great sexual satisfaction; he introduces me to new and interesting experiences, people and places; he shows continual interest in my daily life and thoughts and validates my opinions; he makes me laugh and brings unexpected variety into my life; and he assists me in managing the mundane necessities of living. Who wouldn’t want to keep that around? I acknowledge I am no altruist. When a relationship ends, I think about the benefits to me that I will no longer enjoy. Others may be sad that they have lost the opportunity to enrich someone’s life, and miss the ways in which they raised their partner up. I do however, care deeply about my partner’s happiness. For me that is what loving someone means, caring deeply about their happiness and wellbeing. I want Dorian to be happy, even if that isn’t with me. I see the expression “if you love someone you’ll let them go” as representative of this. I don’t think it means if you love someone, disregard them; or if you love someone, don’t fight for them. But rather if you love someone then you want them to seek their happiness wherever that may lie, and you won’t try to keep them in a situation that makes them unhappy, even if that situation benefits you. So I am not so selfish as may be initially apparent. I want to keep Dorian because he benefits me, but only so long as that is not a detriment to him. Love is in some ways acknowledgement of the sacrifices you may have to make for the happiness of someone else. Because I love Dorian I will do everything I can to bring him happiness, but there may come a time where I am not the best person to do that. It may be because I have changed, or because Dorian’s needs have changed. Of course this somewhat presupposes a monogamous relationship where you must be everything your partner needs at all times. Polyamory allows people an option other than the ALL OR NOTHING of monogamy. Your partner does not have to cast you aside in order to enjoy the virtues of another. Polyamory should be no threat to a relationship. If your partner is unhappy with you, then they will leave anyway. But in many cases polyamory means you can continue to be a part of that person's life even if they do get certain other things from other people. That is not to say that polyamory is some sort of patch you can apply to an ailing relationship. Polyamory will not fix anything. In fact it tends to challenge and bring to the surface anything that isn’t working. But if you and your partners are willing to negotiate it, then polyamory can be incredibly rewarding. I am also not suggesting that polyamorous relationships have the shape that they do because its members cannot find satisfaction with any given individual – but simply that polyamory is a paradigm shift away from the idea that you must be everything at once and only for only one person. Polyamorous relationships also end, in just the same and different ways that monogamous ones do. But if you and your partner have both been the best you can be, then there should be no shame or regret in that. Be grateful that you have enriched each other’s lives for the time that you did, that you grew as people together and have lots of fond memories. You were what you were, for the time that you were. Breathe. Let that shit go.

Meditating in a flowing stream.

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The key to overcoming excessive jealousy is to operate from a position of empowerment and not deficit. To value what you have, and not what you do not. Enrich your life; do not do so at the expense of others. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be honest and open with yourself and those around you. Be your best self, and let the world respond. Accept change. Love.